Getting inside the mind of Dave Barry

There are times I would like to get inside the mind of Dave Barry.
Not literally, of course, as that would be gross in a yucky sort of way. It would also be hard to explain to my wife what I was doing with a humor columnist’s brains all over my hands.
What I mean is, I’d like to know how he comes up with the nutty, off-the-wall stuff he does for his columns. If you’re not familiar with Barry, he was a humor columnist for the Miami Herald for about 20 years (but still not long enough to reach maturity). He “retired” in 2004 but still does stupid stuff like write books and run for president.
His column was syndicated to about 500 newspapers around South Florida and other parts of the world (which is a secret code meaning at least one newspaper outside the United States). Barry is a lot like Bill Cosby, except that Barry is white and younger and has a completely different style of humor.
At one point in my column writing career, I used to think I was part David Barry, part Erma Bombeck and part John Coit (a late Rocky Mountain News columnist who wrote about life on the streets of Denver). I had someone write in to tell me I came across more like Kathy Lee Gifford (it wasn’t meant as a compliment).
One thing about being a columnist is that there is a very fine line between talking about your life experiences and being narcissistic. I like boasting about my wife and kids and the celebrities I’ve met and the weird things I’ve done in my life. I don’t do it to make myself look good or to satisfy my ego. I do it so my readers can better understand who I am and perhaps get a laugh or two at my expense.
That’s why I’d like to get inside the warped mind of Dave Barry. I feel though as if I’ve lost my sense of humor and could really use some inspiration. Inspiration, I am told, is good for finding humor. It’s also good for getting spots out of rugs, dust from high places and booger residue from under fingernails.
(Flash – I think Dave Barry would have thought that “Booger Residue” would be a good name for a rock band.)
Erma Bombeck, God rest her soul, had a terrific way of finding humor in the mundane life of homemakers. I don’t understand why we don’t call them homemakers anymore. It’s a much simpler term than “stay-at-home mom.” Stay-at-home mom is an oxy moron because most such moms that I know are so busy running around after their kids that you almost never catch them at home.
John Coit got his start in daily newspapers at the same place I did – The Daily Advance in Elizabeth City, N.C. He wrote about the homeless, bikers, the disenfranchised and other aspects of life that most people don’t normally think about. He has one quote that I really like; one quote that summed up his brief 38-year life: “Life is short and it hurts; love is the only drug that works.”
Of course, anyone who knows me knows that nothing is more important to me than my faith in Jesus Christ. I gotta tell you, however, that it is very hard to be simultaneously faithful and funny. Religious humor can border on the offensive, even if it’s not meant to. Comedian Brad Stine makes a living at it and I admire him for it.
Still, I can’t seem to penetrate Barry’s head. I wish I had his ability to make fun out of ordinary things. He said he gets his ideas from reading newspapers. He must read different newspapers than I do. Or maybe I should borrow a page from his play book and get actual readers to send me actual stories that they find in actual newspapers. That might actually work.
I know it works for “The Tonight Show” which occasionally features headlines and blunders from newspapers and magazines. I remember one from The Daily Advance that made it on air back in the ’90s. We had a wedding announcement that came out “Smoke – Hash.”
We also had an advertisement for JCPenny that listed short-sleeved shirts for sale. Only the “r” was left off the word shirt. That one didn’t make it on “The Tonight Show” but it still cracks me up.
A friend of mine in college won a headline writing award for a story about an ROTC leader who got in trouble for biting the head off a chicken. His headline said something like “Sergeant in trouble for fowl play.”
Me? I’m not likely to win any headline writing awards. The best I can hope to do is mess with Dave Barry’s mind without losing mine in the process.

The things that real men do

“We are calling on men, all men — the successful and the unsuccessful, the affluent and the poor, the married and the unmarried — to come and claim their children. You can run the biggest drug cartel in America or win the Super Bowl, but if you haven’t claimed your children, you are not a man. No matter how useless or hopeless a father may think he is, his role is simply to be there. If he makes that commitment, he is a much better man than he thought he was.” – Bill Cosby

Father’s Day is Sunday. It’s one of my favorite holidays. I like it not because I’m a father and it makes me feel good about being a dad. I don’t need a holiday for that. I like it because it puts fatherhood in a positive light. Fatherhood has taken a beating over the years with the rising number of absentee dads and abusers.
Most of us, however, march on in total fulfillment in our role as a father. As a man, I see my role as a husband and father to be the most important thing in life behind faith in Jesus Christ.
I once had a bumper sticker that read, “Real men keep their promises.” The words overlaid the words “I do.”
That has me thinking about what it takes to be a real man. This is what I came up with:
Real men:
Wipe noses;
Change dirty diapers without having to be asked or nagged;
Remember first-date anniversaries;
Kiss boo-boos and put Band-Aids on tummyaches;
Drink tea with Teddy bears and Barbie dolls;
Give horsey rides;
Eat baking experiments;
Volunteer in classrooms;
Sit on porch swings on summer nights, pointing out stars;
Swim in the shallow end;
Chase monsters from under beds;
Playfully chase their wives around the bedroom;
Buy flowers for no particular reason;
Make midnight runs to the supermarket for feminine hygiene products;
Go to music/dance recitals;
Coach little league;
Make funny faces and strange bodily sounds;
Turn off football to go play catch;
Eat broccoli;
Brush hair;
Serve breakfast in bed;
Scratch backs;
Give shoulder rubs;
Don’t complain about how hard the day was;
Go to the mall and enjoy it;
Give hugs and kisses;
Pray for their family;
Pray with their family;
Paint toenails;
Have pillow fights;
Give perfect gifts;
Receive all gifts perfectly;
Take long walks holding hands;
Don’t put work before family;
Sing silly songs;
Wear macaroni necklaces;
Never win at Candyland;
Read Dr. Seuss without getting tongue-tied;
Share the remote;
Sing the Barney theme song — joyfully;
Are quick to praise;
Are slow to anger;
Have family pictures in their wallet where the money used to be;
Wash floors;
Do windows;
Plaster the refrigerator with crayon masterpieces;
Fold clothes;
Wash dishes;
Tie shoes;
Race their kids to the door;
Open doors;
Leave the toilet seat down;
Ask for directions;
Read bedtime stories;
Ask about her day;
Try to write poetry;
Wear Father’s Day ties;
Think “Baby Blues” is the best comic strip ever;
Pack the kids’ lunches;
Give foot massages;
Contribute to worthy causes;
Say “I’m sorry”;
Say “I love you”;
And live without regret.
(NOTE: Portions of this column first appeared March 7, 2000, in the Longmont (Colo.) Daily Times-Call and were often repeated by Promise Keepers co-founder Bill McCartney on his nationally syndicated “4th and Goal” radio program.)

Take advantage of your opportunities

As the saying goes, opportunities are what we make of them.
I’ve recently indulged my inner geek. I’m something of a NASA junkie. When I saw that the space shuttle was going to be ferried over Hempstead on its way back to Florida after landing in California, I tracked it online and at the right moment went outside and snapped some pictures of it.
Later in the week I learned that former astronaut Charles Bolden would be speaking in Prairie View. He has been nominated as the next director of NASA. I took full advantage of my position to go and see him. The next day I had a telephone interview with Alan Bean, the fourth man to walk on the moon (that story will come out later).Each of those are opportunities that I made for myself. I don’t normally cover a NASA beat in Waller County. I learned a long time ago that a perk to this journalism gig is meeting celebrities and other people who think they’re important, such as politicians and athletes.
I have yet to meet a president, but I’ve met many a governor, senator, congressman, mayor, legislator and the like.
Politicians, in general, are an eccentric lot tinted with a healthy dose of ego. Athletes, on the other hand, are an egotistical lot with a healthy dose of eccentricity. The same goes for musicians and actors. They all want your collective attention but don’t generally care for it one-on-one.
Astronauts are a breed apart. Every one I have met – and there have been many – have all been outstanding individuals. They have a way of making you feel you are the most important person in the world to them at that moment. Many – and Buzz Aldrin in particular – have gone out of their way to accommodate me and my interview requests.
I’ve interviewed many actors, most of them sci-fi and western stars, and find that they either really love the attention or else they hate being bothered. There is not much middle ground.
I really admire the job NASA does in its astronaut selection and training process. It routinely produces top-notch individuals. To be sure, becoming a space traveler isn’t something that happens by chance. These are all people who have made the most of their opportunities.
Opportunity is a common theme at graduations as well. Graduates learn that life is what they make it to be. It’s a question of what opportunities they make for themselves and which ones that come their way that they take advantage of.
Sometimes we who are far removed from our cap-and-gown days seem to forget about the world of endless opportunities that still sit in front of us while we blindly hold to what has been.
Frequently in my career as I have tracked down celebrities and written their stories, I have had colleagues ask me why I do it. Why do I make extra work for myself when said celebrity isn’t part of my normal beat?
It’s simple. I do it because I can. I do it because I want to and no one has told me I can’t. It’s the same thing that got me into forming the Lone Ranger Fan Club. Not only is no one else doing it, but I’m now looked upon (errantly so) as one of the premier experts on the Masked Man. I’ve given numerous newspaper and radio interviews all because I did something that I simply wanted to do.
Of course, not all of our opportunities are success stories. A few years ago I started a home-based business that took off like wildfire. And just as quickly as it started, it died. Rather than making me independently wealthy, I wound up bankrupt. Believe me, it’s hard to see opportunities when you’ve just lost your job, home and many of your possessions.
I’ve known my share of hard times and now I’m experiencing some good times. I’ve gotten to this point through faith and the opportunities that has provided. As the saying goes, when God closes a door, he opens a window.
The world calls those “windows of opportunity.” I can see now that a world of opportunity is open before me, even if the economy is bad. How I – or anyone, really – takes advantage of those opportunities will determine how we do in life. I owe this little reminder to my curiosity of looking up in the sky and seeing the shuttle fly by. What a wonderful thing that is.

Does Waller County suffer from a culture of corruption?

Does Waller County suffer from a culture of corruption?
According to a recent story in the Houston Chronicle, local government is rife with officials on the take. The article written by reporter Cindy Horswell begins with a recounting of the guilty pleas of four officials in the county and points to an ongoing investigation by the FBI that hints at more possible indictments against other local public officials.
Already serving time in prison for soliciting and accepting kickbacks are former Brookshire mayor Keith Allen Woods and former Brookshire public works director Henry Cheney. Awaiting sentencing in July on similar bribery charges are former Hempstead aldermen Larry Wilson Sr. and Paris Kincade.
Horswell’s article quotes some officials who feel the FBI investigation is targeting blacks because all of those who have been indicted and those rumored to be under investigation are black.
To me, race is not the issue. If you’ve committed a crime, your race is irrelevant. Now, if the FBI is targeting blacks, that would be a problem. Call me naïve, but I don’t see that happening. I see the agency tracking down corrupt officials. That they are all back so far is either coincidental or supports the story’s theory of a culture of corruption in the black community.
Does that mean white or Hispanic officials are not or have not been just as corrupt? That’s hard to say. I would imagine that local history will bear out a pattern of corruption among all races. I’m too new here and have not done enough research to say for sure.
I do know that the story has created a stir in Waller County government. The county’s two newest commissioners – Odis Styers and Sylvia Cedillo – asked me about it. I agree that the story painted the county with a broad brush. I feel bad for all the honest, hard-working officials whose reputations are needlessly tainted just by their affiliation with the county.
It’s my experience in the few months that I have been here that most of the officials – elected, appointed and hired – are decent, honest folks who only want the best for their community and the people they represent. I’m just afraid they’re all going to have to grit their teeth and thicken their skin if the FBI probe results in more indictments.
It’s worth the hit on the reputation of local governments to have corruption purged from its ranks. The alternative is to live with corruption, which is not an option.
I must switch gears here for a minute to note that I don’t normally acknowledge the work of competitors, nor do I try to react to it. This is a case where the competition is much bigger with far more resources and the story that came out had such a wide impact on our primary coverage area. This is clearly an exception to my rule. Besides, I had most of the background information in print first.
I know that people here are concerned about graft and corruption and I will do the best I can with the resources at my disposal to bring you the best and most up to date information about this case as it develops. I hope there will be nothing more to report, but until this so-called culture of corruption is dealt with, I’m afraid there may be plenty to write about.
Summer break
School’s out. Like I had to tell you that. My kids have been counting down the days, just like their father did when he was that age. There is nothing like that long, agonizing wait until summer break when you can put aside the books, tests and waking up early so that you can stay home and play, play, play.
So why is it that when this long-awaited day comes, one of the first thing youngsters will say is “I’m bored”?
I can honestly say that I have not been bored in more than 20 years. I’ve been frustrated that circumstances have kept me from doing what I want and forced me to be idle, but actual boredom has not been a problem.
I learned a long time ago that if I was bored, my parents would have a long list of chores just waiting to break the monotony. My kids haven’t quite figured out that little trick yet. If I’m lucky, they’ll push it far enough that in addition to having a spotless house and well-groomed yard, we can get the cars de-greased and the house painted.