Tips for making a marriage last

 

With our 26th anniversary coming up on Dec. 17, it has occurred to me that we are very likely near the midpoint of our marriage.

It’s not that we’ve set any time limits on how long Sandy and I will be married, it’s all a question of age. I was in my mid-30s when we tied the knot. We had each been married previously and brought a child each into our marriage. I’m not going to kid you, blending a family is tough. We fought a lot our first year and there were times I was ready to give up. Thank God I didn’t!

We added two more boys of our own and it wasn’t until the youngest graduated from college and moved out earlier this year that Sandy and I have ever been able to experience life together without children. Don’t get me wrong, we love our children and enjoyed raising them, but life alone together is fantastic! We didn’t get to experience that on the front end, but we’re sure enjoying it now. This empty nest has been kind of a belated honeymoon period.

We are at a season of life where many marriages fail. A surprisingly high number of couples struggle to redefine their relationship in the empty nest/early retirement years. They call it gray divorce. We’ve seen it with family and friends and I’ve read statistics on reliable websites. That has me thinking about what has made our marriage work. We’ve lived through some very devasting life events that would normally rip a marriage to pieces. Yet here we are living the dream.

So, what worked? What made our marriage so strong?

I think our Christian faith and our absolute commitment to our marriage vows is at the cornerstone. I know that statistically the Christian divorce rate pretty much mirrors the rest of the country, but when you set a firm foundation and place the bar high, your chances of success improve. It also helps to pray together and to surround yourselves with a community of believers with the same mindset.

You also have to be very patient and forgiving with each other. Nobody wakes up in the morning asking themselves what they can do that day to wreck their marriage or harm their spouse. Bad things happen and we all make mistakes from time to time. When it happens, you have to be humble and sincere in seeking and giving forgiveness. The only person a grudge hurts is the one holding it.

Another thing you absolutely have to do is place your spouse’s needs above your own. Notice I didn’t say wants. Wants never trump needs. If they do, there is a problem. Now, every marriage is going to have conflicting wants and needs. That’s where communication becomes essential. When you communicate, you have to do it in the mindset of first understanding the other person before seeking to be understood.

When you only focus on your response to what they say or your opinion, you close off communication with the other person and devalue what they have to say or feel. That is bad in all relationships, not just marriage. If you develop good listening skills, you will often find out that you are on the same page, just coming from different perspectives.

Another thing that helps is sharing your plans and dreams together. If your spouse doesn’t know what direction you’re heading, they can’t help you get there and vice versa. Sometimes you’ve got to be the wind beneath your spouse’s wings to help them achieve new heights so they in turn can help you reach your goals. You want to be helping each other up, not pulling each other down.

We had some difficult and depressing years when I was the primary breadwinner while Sandy earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Today she is thriving in a job she loves and her income level is three times what mine is. She wouldn’t be there now if we didn’t work together as a team.

Almost as important as focusing on the big things in life is paying attention to the details. Multiple times a day I tell Sandy I love her and how beautiful she is. I compliment her cooking and thank her for the chores and other things she does, even the routine things. It’s amazing what an attitude of gratitude will do for a relationship.

This past week has been a real challenge for us. We started the week with a pretty full schedule of things we wanted to do, see and accomplish. Unfortunately, I came down with appendicitis and spent a couple days and nights in St. Joseph’s Hospital getting my appendix removed. Sandy was always there by my side, only leaving to take care of our animals and to get a little sleep at night.

I can’t tell you how comforting and reassuring it was to have her there in my time of need. She could have prioritized the other things we had planned, but instead she put me first and I can’t thank her enough. It’s that kind of love, dedication and commitment that assures me that the second half of our marriage is going to be better than the first half.

God bless you, Sandy, and happy anniversary!