Learning to smile is something I can sink my teeth into

Learning how to smile isn’t an easy thing to do.
Seriously, I’ve spent the first five decades of my life ashamed of my teeth and doing everything I could to hide them. Last month, however, the braces that I had been wearing for nearly two and a half years came off. For the first time in my life my teeth look good. For the first time ever I can smile and not be embarrassed about how I look.
That is, I’d like to smile. It takes a concentrated effort. I’ve got about 50 years of practice forcing my upper lip down to cover the huge gap between my two front teeth. That gap and all the others in my chompers are gone. Smiling, especially in a way that shows off my upper teeth, it difficult. The muscles in my face are not trained to do that. In fact, to smile broadly enough requires me to squint so much I can barely see. Complicating matters is the retainer I must now wear. I am far from making peace with it. I’d rather make pieces of it, if you know what I mean.
Still, I am more than happy to have nice-looking teeth and to be free from the bonds of the stigma that goes with being gap-toothed. Trust me, it’s a pretty big stigma, at least it was for me. Whenever a cartoonist wants to draw someone stupid, they inevitably make them gap-toothed or bucktoothed. I felt that when people saw my teeth I automatically dropped a few I.Q. points in their mind. People have a tendency to stare at nonconformities and I wasn’t about to feed that unconscious habit.
This orthodontic journey began for me in the spring of 2014 when I was urgently summoned back to Colorado to see my mother in the hospital in what would eventually prove to be her deathbed. She had been sick and was experiencing complications from surgery. Although she could not speak with all the tubes and things stuck in her, she did get a good look at my teeth for the first time in years. They had grown worse with age and were tilting a little wonky.
With a concerned look on her face, she picked up her clipboard and wrote “Joe teeth?” I kind of brushed it off at the time, but it really hit me hard. A few weeks later after her funeral, my Dad said he had discussed it with Mom and he wanted to pay half the cost for me to get braces. Having had one child out of braces and one about to go in, I just couldn’t justify it. Somewhere up there, however, Mom must have been bending God’s ear. My wife switched employers and her new benefits included adult orthodontics. On top of that, our orthodontist, Dr. Lee Mahlmann, offers a family discount.
With all that going for me, I felt the time was right. So, that October, just a couple weeks after Colton received his braces, Dr. Mahlmann fitted me with mine. It was the beginning of a long and painful journey, but one I have never been more grateful to take. I lived with a lot of discomfort and more than a little bit of pain for two years and four months as the braces (aided by a frontal frenectomy) closed the gaps and twisted and straightened my teeth.
My teeth ached every day as they were torqued and squeezed into place. The inside of my lips felt like hamburger as they rubbed against the brackets. In the homestretch I had to use rubber bands to align my jaw. That was seriously not fun, but I persisted.
In the end there were some unintended side benefits and consequences from the process. My mouth is smaller and my face narrowed, which had a lot of people asking me if I lost weight. (Huge sigh, I wish!) While I don’t mind the smaller mouth, my tongue did not shrink, so it feels kind of swollen crammed into a tiny space. It must now share space with the retainers, which has me talking with a bit of a lisp at times.
Those inconveniences aside, I find that my confidence and self-worth are starting to climb. People look at me and treat me differently than they did before. It’s a subtle difference and hard to describe, but it’s there. It’s still too soon to tell what the overall impact of my orthodontic adventure will be but the preliminary results are very promising.
I owe thanks to a lot of people for helping me through this journey. Obviously my parents had a lot to do with it (though I might point out it was their genetics that necessitated it in the first place). My wife put up with a lot of my complaining and she adjusted our menus to provide softer foods for Colton and me to eat. My employers were generous with my time to make appointments. But my biggest thanks goes to Dr. Mahlmann and his wonderful staff. They set the standard for customer care. Everyone remembered my name, something of my story and they always expressed interest in me and the progress I was making. They are friendly and professional (and funny). Dr. Mahlmann accomplished what other dentists have told me could never be done short of reconstructive surgery. I wish I had done this 35 years ago. My life might be very different today.
Poor Colton, though. After years of planning to get out of braces first, he is still wearing his and will until May. Although it’s taking longer, it is making a remarkable difference. He is turning from a good-looking kid into a great-looking young man.
As his Dad, that gives me a lot to smile about. And when it comes to smiling, I’ve still got a lot to learn, but it is a fun learning curve to be sure.

Fried fair fare on a stick judged good eatin’ at Rodeo Houston

I made my return to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo last Thursday as a judge for the Gold Buckle Foodie Awards (also known as 101 Ways to Totally Trash Your Diet).
It was the second time in three years that I’ve been a Gold Buckle Foodie judge. I missed last year because I was transitioning to the Fort Bend Star from The Sealy News. I regret missing last year. One of my rules for good living is to never turn down an opportunity to be a foodie judge.
This year, however, the competition just about did me in. Three hours of sampling fair fare is enough to bloat an elephant – which is pretty much how I felt as I waddled out of the room when it was over. When it comes to eating food at the HLSR there are two things you must understand going in: First, it will be hard on your waistline. Second, it will be hard on your wallet. Let’s face it, fair food isn’t cheap, but cheap food isn’t this much fun.
The Gold Buckle Foodie Awards are judged by local media personalities. When it comes to eating free food there are no better judges than us media types. We’re drawn to fried stuff on a stick like a cop to a box of donuts.

This year I was blessed to share a table with Carder and Rachelle, who do the morning show on KSBJ (89.3). Joining them was Chris Chicago, morning DJ for KSBJ’s sister station NGEN Radio (91.7). Filling out (their waistlines at) our table were Houston Food Finder Scott Sandlin, Gwendolyn Knapp of the Houston Press and Cowboy Dave, one of the morning DJs at 100.3 The Bull.
As we began, we were reminded to pace ourselves, as this was a marathon and not a sprint. Two years ago I left the competition hungry. I heeded the advice a little too closely and didn’t take very big samples. I was also wearing braces at the time and just had them tightened that morning, so my mouth was in pain. This year I made the sophomore mistake of going for the gusto and enjoying this culinary journey. That was actually a good strategy until the third hour rolled around (it was supposed to last two hours).
In that time we officially tasted 28 foods. We voluntarily sampled another, but more on that later. None of the judges sampled everything. Too many judges and too much food. There were eight categories and multiple entries in each.
First up were the breakfast foods. We got chicken waffles, which were not great. It placed third out of three. Apparently breakfast isn’t a big thing at the rodeo. That was followed by Classic Fair Food. In that category we sampled funnel cake, nachos and a turkey leg. The turkey leg placed second, but I liked the funnel cake better.
The Best Value category was for me the best overall. We had to consider taste and price. For my money, Saltgrass Steakhouse’s baby back rib platter was not only the best thing I ate at the contest, it was a good deal at $12. The next category was Food-on-a-Stick. We had some really good mystery meat that I loved (but it didn’t place) and a very good Corny Dog.
Of course, it isn’t fair food if it isn’t fried, right? I gave my highest scores in this category. The deep fried brisket balls were outstanding. They were just a couple shades better than the fried fish tacos and the fried green beans.

The Most Creative Food category was by far the most colorful. We sampled corn on the cob and pizza, both flavored with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. The problem is that the Cheetos lose their heat and crispiness when they’re cooked, so the look and the name are more appealing than the product.
What won this category and what we asked to sample after the competition was the Nitro Pop from Cowboy Kettle Corn. This colorful concoction of candied kettle corn is frozen in dry ice. When you eat it, your mouth turns into a fog machine. Food has never, ever been this much fun to eat!
The Best New Flavor category requires that the food be new to the HLSR, not necessarily a new food. The winner this year was one of my favorites – Chocolate Dipped Oatmeal Cream Pie! It could have won Best Dessert, but it wasn’t entered in that category. That was won by Fried What’s deep-fried Buckeyes (chocolate-covered peanut butter balls). I’m still drooling at the mere thought of them!
Of course, don’t take my word for it. You’ve got to come to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo to try these foods for yourself. Just remember that your waistline will expand exponentially to the rate that your wallet thins. Your taste buds and your children, however, will thank you.
In the meantime, here are the results of the competition:
Best Breakfast Food:
1st: Stubby’s Cinnamon Rolls: The “Works” cinnamon roll
2nd: Stubby’s Cinnamon Rolls: Big Stone Breakfast Sandwich
3rd: The Finer Diner: Chicken & Waffles
Classic Fair Food:
1st: Stubby’s Cinnamon Rolls: Cinnamon roll with icing
2nd: Ranch House: Smoked turkey leg
3rd: Holmes Smokehouse: Carved brisket sandwich
Best Value:
1st: Stubby’s: Loaded baked potato ($6.50)
2nd: Saltgrass Steak House: Babyback rib platter ($12)
3rd: Stubby’s Cinnamon Rolls: Original cinnamon roll ($4)
Best Food-on-a-Stick:
1st: Berryhill: Shrimp Diablo
2nd: Holmes Smokehouse: Bacon-wrapped sausage on a stick
3rd: Fletcher’s Corny Dogs: Corny dogs
Best Fried Food:
1st: Berryhill: Crispy shrimp taco
2nd: Sills Funnel Cakes: Fried pecan pie
3rd: Yoakum Packing Company: Deep-fried brisket balls
Most Creative Food:
1st: Cowboy Kettle Corn: Nitro Pop
2nd: Custom Confections: Donutwich Deluxe
3rd: The Corn Shack: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos roasted corn
Best New Flavor:
1st: Mad Hatter funnel Cake No. 2: Chocolate-dipped oatmeal crème pie
2nd: Mad Hatter Funnel Cake No. 1: Chocolate-dipped pecan pie
3rd: Paradise Burgers: Fried nachos
Best Dessert:
1st: Fried What: Buckeyes
2nd: Mad Hatter Funnel Cake No. 1: Chocolate-covered strawberries
3rd: Sills Funnel Cakes: Nana’s Banana Split

Batmobile displayed at funeral museum in tribute to car’s creator

Holy dead-ringer, Batman! It looks like the Batmobile is in a very grave situation!
That is to say, a replica of the Batmobile from the 1966 television show is perched as the centerpiece of a display dedicated to its colorful creator, the late George Barris, at the National Museum of Funeral History in Houston.
Riddle me this: What do a Batmobile and a funeral museum have in common?
To get an answer, I asked our resident Batgirl, Genevieve Keeney, the museum’s president and chief operating officer.
“Our board member Buck Kemphausen, who was a very close friend of the creator George Barris and also the owner of the vehicle on display, a replica of the original Batmobile from the 1966 movie, wanted to pay a tribute to his dearly departed friend George Barris,” she said. “In learning more about who George was in his life and about his talent, it was fitting to create an exhibit to him in ‘Thanks for the Memories.’ The tribute would not be complete without the Batmobile, a replica of his custom casket and personal items.”
As any self-respecting child of the ’60s would do, I went to the museum to check it out. As a fan of the old TV show and being naturally curious about the museum itself, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to see this in person. I have to tell you, it’s worth the trip.
I was invited to come see the Batmobile and to tour this amazing museum. As I sat behind the wheel while the security guard snapped pictures, my mind kept racing back 23 years earlier to a mall in Elizabeth City, N.C., where one of the real Batmobiles from the TV show was on display. I sat behind the wheel of that one – which was in pretty beat-up shape at the time – with my baby girl in my lap. Kemphausen’s replica is in much better condition and is decked out with all the Bat-bells and Bat-whistles befitting the original Batmobile. Visitors to the museum can sit in the car and have their picture taken for an additional $5. You’ve got to do it. You know you want to. Just tell your non-Bat-friends that the Joker made you do it!
The exhibit, however, is about much more than a really cool car. It’s about the car’s creator, George Barris. Included in the exhibit is a replica of his casket, which is bright yellow and embellished with Bat-wing style fins. There are models of some of the famous cars he created along with some of his personal memorabilia.
Barris was known as the King of customizers and, in addition to the Batmobile, created many iconic cars for TV and the movies. Among them are the “Beverly Hillbillies” jalopy, and the Munster Koach and casket turned dragster (the “Drag-U-La”) for “The Munsters.”
Barris was born in Chicago in 1925 and died in 2015, just days away from his 90th birthday. According to a press release sent by the museum, “He moved to Roseville, Calif., with relatives after his parents died in 1928. There, he pursued a passion for building scratch-built model airplanes and model cars that resulted in winning competitions for construction and design. His interest in cars intensified during his teenage years as he discovered ‘the black art’ of bodywork by hanging out after school at local body shops.
“Barris created his first full custom car from a used 1936 Ford convertible before he graduated from high school that led to his first commercial customer. Shortly after, Barris formed a club called Kustoms Car Club where the first use of ‘K’ for kustoms appeared. He later moved to Los Angeles where his talents began to flourish.
“Barris opened his first shop in Bell, a Los Angeles suburb, in late 1944. As movie studios took note of Barris Kustoms on the streets and at races, the studios and came to George for cars for their films. This included customizing the personal cars of the stars as well. As the 1960s began, George shifted gears and bought a new shop in North Hollywood where he designed and built award-winning cars.”
Kamphausen, who is a funeral director, attended the funeral for Barris.
“It was a WOW! I knew he would have something different. I have fond memories of George. He was a great part of the automobile world,” he said.
The tribute to Barris opened Feb. 1 and runs through Dec. 31. It is part of the museum’s 25th anniversary celebration.
I asked Keeney if there are plans to bring any more of Barris’ iconic cars to the museum.
“It’s a good possibility that you might get to see more of George’s work in the future. I have a great working relationship with the family who are honored to have this tribute to the father, and find comfort in knowing his legacy is continuing on,” she said.
Keeney said the museum has received a positive reaction to the exhibit.
“(There is) excitement at seeing the vehicle and learning more about the man behind the car,” she said. “We have seen an increase in attendance. I believe the thought of being able to see a vehicle so close that you see on TV, is quite fascinating and brings people to the museum.”
The Barris exhibit is at the entrance to the Thanks for the Memories section of the museum, which is a tribute to celebrities and other famous people who have left their mark on this world. There are all kinds of interesting displays there, including tributes to astronauts, Elvis, a Munchkin from “The Wizard of Oz” and so much more.
The rest of the museum is equally fascinating. There are substantial exhibits to presidents and popes, along with some unique coffins and antique hearses. There are so many things there that I can’t begin to list them all here. You just need to go and check it out for yourself.
The National Museum of Funeral History is located at 415 Barren Springs Dr., Houston, and is open weekdays from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Saturday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and Sunday from noon to 5 p.m. Admission is $10 for adults, $9 for seniors and veterans; $7 for children 6-11 years old; and free for children age 5 and younger. For more information, visit www.nmfh.org, like them on Facebook or call 281-876-3063. You never know, they may answer the call on the Bat-phone!

The measure of a real man

Zefram Cochrane, the fictional character from Star Trek, was quoted as saying “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.”
With Father’s Day coming up this Sunday, I thought I’d take a look at manhood and what it means to be a man. The broadest definition means all of mankind, male and female. That’s not the definition I’m going to use today. My focus is on the male of the species, primarily the adult male.
Technically, all adult males are men. Our society, however, has a different definition of a man. A real, red-blooded, American man is John Wayne, Gen. George Patton, the pre-Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, or the fictional Col. Miles Quaritch, the tough, scar-faced Marine played by Stephen Lang in the movie Avatar. A real man is tough, strong, stalwart and unbendable.
It’s my hope to dispel some of those myths. A real man is all of those things and none of those things. A real man is tough, but he is also vulnerable and has a soft heart. A real man is strong, but he is also humble and meek. A real man is stalwart, but he is also thoughtful and tender. A real man is unbendable, but he is also flexible.
To truly be a real man, one must first be a follower of Jesus and have a heart modeled after God’s own heart. He is resolute in his beliefs and has a passion for compassion. A real man is tough in that he can defend his beliefs and can take criticism for what it is. He proves he is tough not by what he can do, but by what he does not do. A tough man does not give in or is easily moved.
Underneath his tough exterior is something worth protecting. It is a loving, tender heart. It is a man who is willing to be vulnerable and to open himself up to the wants and needs of his family, his loved ones and those who cannot fend for themselves. His toughness is like the shell that protects the egg inside.
A strong man is not necessarily muscular or powerful. Physical strength is what most of us think of when we define strong. A true strong man is one unyielding in his values and beliefs. He is humble before God and leads with the heart and attitude of a servant. A strong man puts others before himself. He uses his strength to help other people. He is mentally and emotionally strong and dependable.
The stalwart and unbendable man tends to be one and the same. They are firm and unyielding. Those are good traits when it comes to beliefs and values such as truth, honesty and integrity. There are times, however, when even the most stalwart man must learn to be flexible, understanding and willing to yield. No man is perfect and the man who will not own up to his faults and mistakes is not worth a lick.
A real man will learn to listen to all sides of an issue and try to put himself in the shoes of the other person. He will be kind and understanding. He will not be so inflexible that others cannot work with him. In his my-way-or-the-highway world, you’re better off hitting the road.
In the same light, a real father is one who will give up a round of golf to play catch. A real father allows mistakes but disciplines disobedience. He shares his time, his cookies and his glass of iced tea on a hot, summer day. He reads more than he watches; encourages more than he discourages; slays dragons, vanquishes monsters from closets and squishes spiders; compliments more than critiques; gives without taking; loves mother and child unconditionally; and prays for and with his family every day.
I’ll be the first to admit that I fail at this as much or more than I succeed. But each day I strive to meet this standard and to be a better man than I was when I went to bed the night before. I battle my demons and strive to win the day for my God and my family. They are the only ones who will determine whether or not I succeed. That is a measure I cannot gauge for myself. After all, my life is not about me. It’s about my service to God, my family and those whose lives I touch, no matter how briefly.
Those things may not make me a great man in the eyes of the world, but I hope it will mean the world to those eyes that are on me. A real man couldn’t ask for anything more.

Police-baiting photographer exposed in war on cops

This is a tale of two monumental failures.
On Feb. 15, an unidentified person posing as some kind of photojournalist created a stir in Missouri City as he walked along the sidewalk in front of the police department shooting video of the building, personal cars in the parking lot and the fallen officers memorial in front of the building.
He was initially contacted by Officer Lewis Jefferson, who introduced himself and asked who he was and what he was doing. The photographer said he was filming exterior shots of the police department but, citing his right to privacy, declined to give his name.
A short time later Jefferson returned with Sgt. Phillip Englishbee, who again asked the man what he was doing and asked to see his identification. Englishbee and Jefferson handcuffed him and briefly detained him after he repeatedly declined to comply with their demand for identification. The man asked to see the police chief or an assistant police chief, and when Assistant Chief Lance Bothell came out, the photographer presented him with a business card and was released.
The confrontation has been posted in a pair of videos on a YouTube channel operated by News Now Houston, which appears to be operated by this so-called photojournalist.
Now, as the late, great radio commentator Paul Harvey used to say, you’ve heard the news, now here’s the rest of the story.
Since we published a story about the incident in last week’s paper, I’ve had additional time to look more closely into the matter. The photographer has been identified as Earl David Worden of Bacliff in Galveston County. Worden operates News Now Houston and is part of an organization called Photography is Not a Crime. Basically, he is a professional police-baiter. He films at public but sensitive places like police stations and oil refineries in an attempt to get police to confront him. Inevitably they do, and he posts videos of the confrontations on YouTube and decries the violation of his first amendment rights.
He was successful in using that form of instigative (not investigative) reporting in Missouri City. The police fell right into his trap and he played them like a fiddle. To be sure, the police officers were in the wrong to detain him. That was a big mistake on their part and now a lesson learned.
Please understand that there is an enormous difference between what Worden does and what real, trained, professional journalists do. In my 30-year career I have had my share of run-ins with law enforcement officers who have tried to stop me from performing my job as a reporter. More often than not, that is a rarity and I find most officers to be helpful and accommodating.
What Worden and his cohorts do is intentionally antagonize the police. His activities appear to push the limits of free speech. I have a great deal of respect for all defenders of the first amendment, but I draw the line at those who intentionally abuse that right and maliciously attempt to entrap others, especially the police.
The men and women who put their lives on the line day in and day out to “serve and protect” have a difficult enough time given the current state of affairs in this country. The last thing they need is someone bent on tripping them up and publicly shaming them.
I understand what Worden is doing; I just strongly disagree with his tactics. If someone were videotaping the outside of my house, even though it would be perfectly legal, I would consider that a potential threat and would call the police to investigate. I highly doubt Worden would want anyone standing outside his house shooting video, especially a police officer, which they would be within their right to do.
I now have to question Worden’s motive. I suspect the fact that he is a registered sex offender and has a history of legal trouble probably points to his disdain for law enforcement officers. This is speculation on my part and I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
The biggest issue I have with Worden and his ilk is the damage they do to the reputation of real journalists. You must understand that what he is doing is not journalism. He is not a reporter. He does not work for a legitimate newsgathering organization. Yes, the first amendment gives him the right to do what he does, but he does so in an irresponsible and disrespectful manner.
A real journalist will be upfront and above board with what they are doing. We have credentials and if they are not on display while we are working, they are readily made available upon request. A real journalist does not hide behind anonymity. A real reporter will investigate all sides of an issue and seek the truth. That is not what Worden does. He wields his camera as a weapon in the arena of public opinion. He has a one-sided vendetta against the police.
I spent four years in college earning a bachelor’s degree in journalism. I have worked in newspapers for 30 years. As a trained and educated professional, I’m held to a much higher standard and I don’t hide behind the anonymity of the Internet like this coward does.
My name is Joe Southern. I’m the editor of the Fort Bend Star and I’m proud of the work I do. I stand behind my name and my employer and I work diligently to maintain the quality and integrity of my reputation and our product.
It’s this dedication to my integrity that I must now confess to the second monumental failure I mentioned at the beginning of this column. I failed to investigate this more thoroughly before going to press with it. Worden wanted publicity and I played into his hands just like the Missouri City police officers did. Had I been aware of who and what Worden is before the story ran, it would have never seen a drop of ink in our pages. That is my mistake and my shame. I apologize to the officers involved and to you the readers.