Wonky words of a wordsmith

 

If you ever think English is not a weird language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Thank you, Facebook, for that. But wait, there’s more:

I love waterlemons.

You that read wrong.

You read that wrong, too.

After 38 years as a professional journalist, I’ve come to appreciate the linguistic gymnastics of the English language. In journalism school we were taught to use the KISS principle – keep it simple, stupid. In other words, don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

You have to appreciate the irony of English. For example, “phonetic” is not. “Abbreviation” has 12 letters. “Monosyllabic” has five syllables. There is no synonym for “thesaurus.” The word “little” is twice the size of “big.” Have you ever noticed that the two o’s in “cooperate” have their own separate sounds? And which letter, the “S” or the “C,” is silent in “scent.”

Another thing I’ve noticed is the unusual number of four-letter words used to describe excrement: Poop, crap, dung, pile, skat, and, of course, that other word that shall not be named. Should you need to expel excrement, it is said that you are taking a dump. After you take a dump, you can pile that skat on the dung heap and not give a crap about that poop anymore.

There is a late comedian who, among other things, was noted for making fun of the English language. He went by his last name of Gallagher, and he was best known for smashing fruits and vegetables with a large wooden mallet he called the Sledge-O-Matic. To me, the best part of his schtick was the way he poked fun at the spelling and pronunciation of certain words. Among them are bomb, tomb, comb, home, some, numb and dumb. They’re not so funny in print. You really need to watch one of his videos to see the snarky, sarcastic (snarkastic?) way he presents it.

You then need to watch him smash things with the Sledge-O-Matic, especially the waterlemons!

When I was a student, I struggled with the rules of grammar. They say “I” comes before “E” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird!

I also struggle with words that sound the same or have similar spellings. I have mixed up paltry and psaltery, disperse and disburse, aisle and isle, affect and effect, advice and advise, cite and site, counselor and councilor, principle and principal, and so on. And don’t lie, I know you have, too!

Something I do enjoy is a good pun, or as they have come to be known, dad jokes.

I have a pet tree. It’s a lot like a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.

I have to confess to plagiarizing liberally from Facebook memes to write this week’s column. Simply said, I’m just not that smart or witty. The following sentence, however, is my own creation, bombastically summoned from yet more memes. (Hint: you might want to have a dictionary or thesaurus nearby.)

The nefarious, narcissistic snollygoster, who is truculent in his apocryphal perspective of scientific fact, is obdurate in his deleterious and execrable actions and has ineffably bamboozled the obsequiously sycophantic gudgeons and lickspittles of his own party and much of the country to acquiesce unquestioningly to his incorrigible and reprehensible mandates.

As I conclude my wordy prose, I shall reread what I wrote to make sure I am content with the content, least I wind up this post and throw it in the wind.