Declare war on divorce

 

Next to the death of a loved one, there is no greater emotional pain than that of betrayal.

Betrayal is at the heart of divorce. Most divorces have some form of betrayal at their core, whether it is as blatant as cheating or as subtle as selfishness.

Before I go on, allow me this disclaimer. Both my wife and I have been previously married. We both know the heartache and pain of divorce, so I know what I’m talking about. As of this writing, two relatives very close to us are experiencing divorce. One just completed a divorce, and the other is just starting one. Our hearts ache for them.

Over our 25 years together we’ve seen several friends and relatives marry and divorce. Throughout this time, I’ve concluded that one of the worst things to happen in American society is the no-fault divorce. When a marriage ends, there is fault. That fault may fall on one or both parties, but there is definitely a fault. A vow has been broken and at least one person in the marriage is to blame for that failure. That person should bear the consequences for their actions, or both proportionately if both are at fault.

A spouse who cheats, becomes violent, or in some way betrays their marriage should have to pay a price for that. In such cases, there should not be an equal division of property and assets as that rewards moral failure and punishes the victim.

I think it behooves the courts to recognize that when a marriage ends that a sacred, permanent and binding contract has been betrayed and broken. The violator should face significant consequences, because a crime as emotionally and mentally devastating as physical abuse has taken place.

Strengthening marriage laws adds accountability and commitment back into relationships and provides justice to the victimized spouse. We need more emphasis on marriage and family counseling. We need a societal shift in attitude to support and encourage marriages.

I say this with the caveat that cases of infidelity, abuse and neglect are inexcusable and should not be tolerated. Neither should alcoholism, compulsive gambling or other destructive addictions, although working to help the offender heal is preferable to kicking them while they’re down.

Infidelity can be overcome, but in most cases it’s justifiably a marriage killer. I know of marriages that have survived infidelity and become stronger as a result. I don’t, however, recommend that as a means of strengthening a marriage.

The key to preventing a divorce is to work wholeheartedly on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. Here are some tips to help divorce-proof your marriage:

Communicate! Talk to each other and share your thoughts and feelings.

Remind yourself every day of your wedding vow, especially the parts about “for better or worse” and “’til death do us part.”

Say “I love you” daily and more often when you can.

Make quality and quantity time for each other.

Flirt with each other.

Laugh together.

Be generous with praise and stingy with complaints.

Never criticize your spouse in public.

Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader.

Dream and make plans together. It’s hard to drift apart when you’re working on the same goals.

Be spontaneous and have fun.

Share responsibilities.

Resolve disagreements peacefully; don’t try to win every argument.

Never hide anything or keep secrets. Be completely open and honest with each other.

Don’t go to bed angry. Always plan to kiss each other good night.

Prioritize your spouse and seek to meet their needs ahead of your own.

Don’t keep up with the Joneses. Live within your means and avoid debt.

Own your mistakes and apologize sincerely.

Never let anyone, including children and in-laws, come between you.

Most importantly, pray for and with each other.

There are a lot more tips I could share, but I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. The thing is, we need to go to battle for our marriages and declare a war on divorce.

Finally, for those who are thinking about getting married, be fully committed. Don’t go into it with the mindset of giving it a try to see how it works. In the words of Yoda, that great theologian from a galaxy far, far away, “Do or do not. There is no try.”