With apologies to Clement C. Moore

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through my abode
every creature was stirring, including the toad.
The stockings were hung on the entertainment center,
In hopes that St Nicholas through the door would soon enter.

The children were bouncing hard off the walls,
Wound up on candy and caramel popcorn balls.
And mamma in her pajamas, and I in my sweats,
Were chasing after them, making vain threats.

When out in the yard there arose such a din,
I tripped over the chair and bruised my left shin.
Out the front door the children did run,
Looking to see if the noise meant more fun.

The moon on the dusting of new-fallen sleet,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the litter in the street.
When, what do my wondering eyes gaze upon,
But the dog chasing a squirrel across the front lawn.

With a zig and a zag, so lively and jittery,
The critter taunted my mutt without any flattery.
More rapid than eagles the stupid dog bounded,
Smack into the tree, dazed and dumbfounded!

"Now Rover! now, Snoopy! now, Fifi or Spot!
Whatever your name is, come here on the dot!
Back on the porch! Back in the house!
With tail between legs, humble as a mouse!

As children like a wild hurricane flew,
Off to their beds, tangled in sheets like a stew.
Anxiously they chattered, they tossed and they turned,
Knowing that sleep tonight would never be earned.

And then with a tinkling, I heard on the piano
The cat making a leap, thud into the window.
As I smacked my forehead, and was giving a “D’oh!,”
Where I got such dumb pets, I may never know.

Fluffy was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet,
And the cookies on the plate for Santa he began to eat.
From the bundle of toys left lying on the floor,
I hurled something after him, his joy was no more.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His claws how they extended!
Meowing and hissing, he was barely winded!
His teeth were bared and his tail stuck up stiff,
His doodie on the floor I started to whiff.

The gifts under tree were tossed and scattered,
And the ornaments on limbs so easily shattered.
The cat up the tree the pooch did give chase,
Making a mess all over the place!

My wife, she was yelling; curses they flew,
As the dog stopped and rolled in the kitty’s do-do!
The tree how it toppled when the cat finally fled,
At this rate neither of us will make it to bed.

The kids fast asleep, the pets now outside,
All our things were busted, including my pride.
But clean up the mess we did with a hustle,
While the cat and the dog continued to tussle!

And now it is quiet, all here are at peace,
Except for my neighbor who called the police.
“Shut up your dog!” I heard him spat,
As he threw an old shoe at Fluffy, my cat.

A good night’s rest we have finally earned,
With Christmas morning so eagerly yearned.
The gifts we will open; let the fun begin,
This time next year, we’ll do it again.