First (and last) bite of a jalapeno pepper

Chalk this up to stupid things that guys do.
Last Tuesday, my wife’s parents, who are visiting from Florida, took us out to eat at the Big Texan. We were celebrating everyone’s birthday because we only see them once or twice a year at the most.
The place was sparsely populated when we got there. A woman was on the center stage with about 20 minutes to go on her failed attempt to eat the free 72-ounce steak. We were in a festive mood and enjoying the strolling musicians and engaging in vibrant conversation.
I was starving. I thought seriously about taking on the 72-ounce steak. Had I tried 20 years ago it wouldn’t have been a question of finishing it, but how fast I devoured it. When I was in the seventh grade, I once ate an entire medium pizza (back when they were the size of a large by today’s standard) and a large banana split by myself and then went roller skating – without any ill side effects.
The eight of us placed our orders and then we waited … much longer than we wanted to for our dinner. The salads came out fairly early and my oldest son, Wesley, got a veggie plate. On it was a large, fresh jalapeño pepper. We egged him on to try it. He put it to his mouth and bit onto it, but not into it. He backed off saying it was too rubbery.
I wanted to rib him some more, but I knew I couldn’t because I wouldn’t do it myself. I’ve always hated peppers.
As the wait grew longer, I got hungrier and the thought of daring Wesley swelled in my mind. I thought back to my last major encounter with a pepper. It was about 25 years ago when I was a wilderness survival instructor at a Boy Scout camp.
It was a day when we had the boys do utensilless cooking by hollowing out an orange half and filling it full of hamburger to cook in the fire pit. This particular week, however, they were out of oranges, so the commissary substituted green bell peppers.
I had earlier explained to the boys that almost every part of an animal was edible, including the brain. It just so happened that I had fresh beef brains with me that I used for hide tanning demonstrations.
One of the kids dared me to prove they were edible by cooking some of brain in the bell pepper and eating it. I took the dare and won. The worst part of it for me was the pepper taste.
Getting back to my story, I went back and forth as to whether or not I should try the jalapeño pepper. Just as I was about to give in, our meal arrived. I was saved, or so I thought. I chomped away at my 12-ounce steak, fries and baked beans. Sitting on the side of the plate was my own jalapeño pepper.
I eyed it suspiciously throughout the meal. Finally I decided it was time to have some fun and try it. I suggested to my wife that she might want to get out her camera and to my father-in-law that he might want to shoot some video.
Once they were ready, I picked up the little green monster, contemplated it for a moment, and then took the biggest bite I could.
At first my mouth went rubbery. Then the heat started to rise. I chewed as long as I could stand it, and then swallowed. I chased it down with a gulp of my Diet Pepsi. My wife and father-in-law urged me to take another bite. I did.
I didn’t chew on it nearly as much. With the aid of my drink, I swallowed it down. The drink now gone, the flames inside only began to rise. Someone passed me the crust of my youngest son’s grilled cheese sandwich and said to eat some bread. I did. The waitress suggested eating a packet of sugar. I did.
The pain in my mouth was tremendous. The laughter was still ringing in my ears as I started to eat my ice.
Eventually we brought out the birthday cake and that seemed to do the trick. The fire went out.
The next day an ember of that pepper ignited in my stomach and I spent a good part of the day regretting the whole thing.
Of course, being a guy and knowing my culinary history, it won’t be long before I try something else foolhardy. I already like frog legs and Rocky Mountain oysters (or calf fries as y’all call ’em here), so it will have to be something more challenging than that.
Watch Joe Southern eat the jalapeno pepper at www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbIEHnosm6s or go to www.youtube.com and search for editor meets jalapeno pepper.

Accountability report: As one could guess from my column, I ate fairly well with my in-laws in town – too well. I have been keeping up with regular walks with my wife and I made it once to the YMCA to work out.