Don’t let your ego ruin your marriage
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
I see it way too often. Friends, associates, colleagues and strangers who aren’t worth the ego that God gave them. Ego is that which builds us up and tears us down. The ego is the most selfish and self-serving part of humankind.
We all have an ego. What we allow our ego to become is what defines our character. An uncontrolled ego is the bane of everyone else’s existence.
I am no philosopher. I am no expert in psychology. I have, however, learned a few things along the way. One of those things is that egos are the most destructive things a family can endure. The ego (i.e. selfishness) is what ends marriages and harms children. To give in to the ego is to the detriment of those around you.
Almost all cases of divorce have at their root the ego of one or both individuals. Before I go further, let me make it clear that I have been divorced and know full well of which I write. My divorce was not my choice; rather it was forced upon me against my will. I am remarried and much happier than ever before. I trust that my wife can say the same.
What I have learned through my two marriages is that my life is not about me. Life is about what I am to others. What makes a good husband is the attention and service he gives his wife and vice versa. The same goes for a father to his children. To lead a family, one does not command respect but rather provides unconditional love and service.
If I want my wife’s respect, I must first treat her with dignity. It’s the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If I put the needs of my wife and children before my own needs, they in turn will do the same. This is a concept lost on a lot of people these days. Everyone, including me, falls into the ego trap. We become so self-absorbed that we forget to meet the needs of those who depend on us.
(Allow me to pause here a moment and clarify that I am not condoning co-dependency. That is unhealthy. You should be of service to others, not trying to fix them or make your happiness dependent on their happiness. There are those in life who will not respond in kind. You must guard your heart against that.)
The warrior in a man becomes satisfied once he captures the love of a woman. He no longer needs to court her and pursue her heart. Instead, he becomes content to have a live-in maid who is the mother of his children. He puts so much emphasis on being the provider that he forgets he is also a nurturer. Why else provide if not to nurture one’s family?
While material provisions are good and necessary, it is the provision of yourself that provides nourishment to the soul of your mate and children. If you are in a marriage because it suits you and fills a need within you, then you are probably in it for the wrong reasons. I am in my marriage to fulfill the needs and desires of my wife. Likewise, she sees to my needs and desires.
Our need of each other supersedes that of our children. It is because we have such a strong foundation in our relationship that our children can be content and comforted in knowing that their foundation is secure. Mommy and Daddy are never going to leave them of their own free will. Sandy and I are in this, quite literally, until death do us part.
I can have this kind of relationship because I am the master of my ego. I am a man of my word. As the saying goes, “A man is only as good as his word.”
When I said my wedding vow, I made a sacred, unbreakable covenant between me, Sandy and God. If you are not capable of making such a permanent commitment, then perhaps you are not ready for marriage.
Trust me, when it comes to “for better or for worse” you will find there is a lot more of the worse than you probably bargained for. It’s your ability to keep your ego in check and keep your commitment through the bad times that make the good times even better than you imagined. This is not my philosophy, but rather the reality of life. Those who let their egos quit before they taste victory will only know the sting of failure.
If you would like to know how to have the best marriage you can, I strongly suggest you visit www.familylife.com, click on “events for couples” and then “Weekend to Remember”. There are sessions coming to our area soon. If you value any part of your marriage, whether you are struggling or not, this is worth attending.
I see it way too often. Friends, associates, colleagues and strangers who aren’t worth the ego that God gave them. Ego is that which builds us up and tears us down. The ego is the most selfish and self-serving part of humankind.
We all have an ego. What we allow our ego to become is what defines our character. An uncontrolled ego is the bane of everyone else’s existence.
I am no philosopher. I am no expert in psychology. I have, however, learned a few things along the way. One of those things is that egos are the most destructive things a family can endure. The ego (i.e. selfishness) is what ends marriages and harms children. To give in to the ego is to the detriment of those around you.
Almost all cases of divorce have at their root the ego of one or both individuals. Before I go further, let me make it clear that I have been divorced and know full well of which I write. My divorce was not my choice; rather it was forced upon me against my will. I am remarried and much happier than ever before. I trust that my wife can say the same.
What I have learned through my two marriages is that my life is not about me. Life is about what I am to others. What makes a good husband is the attention and service he gives his wife and vice versa. The same goes for a father to his children. To lead a family, one does not command respect but rather provides unconditional love and service.
If I want my wife’s respect, I must first treat her with dignity. It’s the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If I put the needs of my wife and children before my own needs, they in turn will do the same. This is a concept lost on a lot of people these days. Everyone, including me, falls into the ego trap. We become so self-absorbed that we forget to meet the needs of those who depend on us.
(Allow me to pause here a moment and clarify that I am not condoning co-dependency. That is unhealthy. You should be of service to others, not trying to fix them or make your happiness dependent on their happiness. There are those in life who will not respond in kind. You must guard your heart against that.)
The warrior in a man becomes satisfied once he captures the love of a woman. He no longer needs to court her and pursue her heart. Instead, he becomes content to have a live-in maid who is the mother of his children. He puts so much emphasis on being the provider that he forgets he is also a nurturer. Why else provide if not to nurture one’s family?
While material provisions are good and necessary, it is the provision of yourself that provides nourishment to the soul of your mate and children. If you are in a marriage because it suits you and fills a need within you, then you are probably in it for the wrong reasons. I am in my marriage to fulfill the needs and desires of my wife. Likewise, she sees to my needs and desires.
Our need of each other supersedes that of our children. It is because we have such a strong foundation in our relationship that our children can be content and comforted in knowing that their foundation is secure. Mommy and Daddy are never going to leave them of their own free will. Sandy and I are in this, quite literally, until death do us part.
I can have this kind of relationship because I am the master of my ego. I am a man of my word. As the saying goes, “A man is only as good as his word.”
When I said my wedding vow, I made a sacred, unbreakable covenant between me, Sandy and God. If you are not capable of making such a permanent commitment, then perhaps you are not ready for marriage.
Trust me, when it comes to “for better or for worse” you will find there is a lot more of the worse than you probably bargained for. It’s your ability to keep your ego in check and keep your commitment through the bad times that make the good times even better than you imagined. This is not my philosophy, but rather the reality of life. Those who let their egos quit before they taste victory will only know the sting of failure.
If you would like to know how to have the best marriage you can, I strongly suggest you visit www.familylife.com, click on “events for couples” and then “Weekend to Remember”. There are sessions coming to our area soon. If you value any part of your marriage, whether you are struggling or not, this is worth attending.
posted by Joe Southern | 1:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home