Trust these keys to a lasting marriage

Guys, fair warning, it’s fourth and goal for Valentine’s Day.

You can’t say you haven’t been warned. Cards and candy began appearing in stores before Christmas. This warning is especially important to guys because:

1. The Super Bowl was Sunday and that was a major distraction; and

2. The heavy lifting of Valentine’s Day falls to the guys. We are responsible for buying cards, candy, and flowers and making dinner reservations. Have you ever noticed that the girls rarely, if ever, step up and do for us on Valentine’s Day as we do for them? Just sayin’.

If you don’t think Valentine’s Day is important, just try missing one. Women offer no statute of limitations on the price you will pay for that. Valentine’s Day is important to me because on that day in 1999 Sandy and I formally started going together. We got married 10 months later. If you do the math, that means we’ve been married 25 years. Each of us had a previous marriage but this one is built to last.

So, what makes the difference? What is the secret to a forever marriage? I have my thoughts, and I also posed the question to my friends on Facebook. I got a lot of wonderful responses, and a few love stories were shared with me. Many of my friends with long, healthy marriages held similar views about marriage as Sandy and I do. This, my friends, is what it boils down to:

Make God the center of your marriage. Pray for and with each other. Prioritize your faith. If problems arise – and they will – pause and ask yourself, “what would Jesus do?” A Christ-centered marriage has the strongest of all foundations.

Be committed. If you think marriage is a 50-50 proposition, you probably won’t last long. Marriage is a 100-100 proposition. Both spouses must be in it 100%. Guys, while you were dating her, you would have climbed mountains, swam oceans, and slain dragons for her. So why stop? Is she not worth doing the dishes for, even if it’s not your turn? Marriage is a lifetime commitment, not a trial offer. Act like it.

Communicate! Be completely open and honest with each other. Never assume your spouse knows what you are thinking or feeling. Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood. You can’t expect anyone to care about your perspective if you are unwilling to try and understand theirs. This puts your spouse first and is a selfless act of love on your part.

Pick your battles. In marriage, you will always lose by winning. If you have a win-at-all-cost mentality, that automatically makes your spouse the loser. Nobody wants to be a loser. Marriage is a partnership. Seek the win-win solutions. Don’t hold grudges or try to be domineering. I’m not saying you should compromise on things of principle or extreme importance; just don’t let the molehills become mountains.

Prioritize. Never, ever put stuff before people – this includes your cell phone or other devices. If you see a screen more often than your spouse’s face, you probably have a serious problem. Make time to be together and do things together. Share your common interests. A sporting event on television should never be more important than your spouse. You will find that the more you invest in each other the more your relationship will grow and flourish.

Be forgiving. We all make mistakes. We all say and do things we regret. Be the first to apologize and make amends. Gracefully offer and accept forgiveness. Don’t make the other person feel bad when they screw up. Offer comfort and assurance that while you may be hurt, your love is not broken. (There is a caveat to this when it involves abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. You can’t be an enabler and let someone walk all over you time and again.)

Be respectful. This is especially important for the guys. Men have a deep need to be respected. A man can be critically wounded when his wife loses respect for him or fails to show respect. And guys, respect is earned, not given, so be worthy of it. Likewise, women need and deserve respect. You should always be building your spouse up, not tearing them down.

Dream big! Share your dreams and goals and work together to make them come true. There is great satisfaction in having someone who believes in you and helps you on your road to success. As the saying goes, teamwork makes the dream work.

Lastly, don’t quit. Every relationship has its ups and downs and mundane plateaus. If you bail on your spouse because you don’t think things are going well, what’s to stop you from quitting on your next relationship? When things are down or flat, that’s the time to ignite a creative spark and get things moving in the right direction. Be creative. Be spontaneous. Have fun and enjoy the ride together because this is the only trip through life you get.