Barbie has nothing on manly action figures

If this were Facebook, I would be marked safe from having seen the Barbie movie.

Heck, I’m safe from having even considered going to see the Barbie movie. Apparently, it will go down as the biggest blockbuster hit of 2023. I don’t care. Barbie just ain’t my kind of gal and this certainly ain’t my kind of movie.

I had two brothers and no sister growing up. My poor mother was outnumbered 4-1 by males in the household. In general, our house was a pretty manly place to grow up, except that my dad might argue that my many action figures weren’t very manly. I liked playing with my 8-inch Mego superheroes and Star Trek characters, along with my Lone Ranger, Johnny West, and G.I. Joe figures.

Between all my action figures and their accessories, I was probably a male counterpart to the girls and their Barbie dolls and accessories. I didn’t see it that way at the time, but in hindsight I must confess that it’s true. I had a Batcave, not a beach house. My action figures had fights and grand adventures, not tea parties and sleepovers. My biggest conundrum was what to do with my Lt. Uhura figure from Star Trek. She was the only female action figure I owned, and I didn’t feel right having female figures in my manly collection. I gave her away to a girl in our neighborhood, but she gave her back because she didn’t like Star Trek and had no use for it.

Being a typical pre-teen boy, the only thing I found amusing about her was taking off her tunic and giggling at her perky girly parts. Come to think about it, that’s about all I ever did whenever I encountered a Barbie doll. Either that or bend her at the waist and point her like a pistol. If you bent her backwards, you could line up your target through her “sights.”

My manly action figures, however, were perfect for letting my storytelling imagination run wild. Most all of the figures were based off of comic books or television shows, so you could try to mimic those as well. Every other week my Spider-Man and Captain America comics would give me new adventures to emulate.

When Star Wars came out in 1977, I naturally assumed that Mego would make the action figures. Then Kenner came out with these chintzy 3 ¾-inch plastic playthings. I held out a long time waiting for my 8-inch Luke Skywalker that never came. Mego had turned down the Star Wars license and soon went out of business. Eventually I turned to the dark side and bought up the Kenner collection. I was so enamored with Star Wars that I couldn’t get enough of anything to do with the movie.

At that point, I was so obsessed with Star Wars that owning a Princess Leia figure didn’t bother me. Nor did I mistreat her like some dumb blonde Barbie doll. Princess Leia was super cool and I had a big crush on her.

My collection of Mego action figures vanished with my best friend when his family moved away to Oklahoma. I never saw him or my figures again. My collection of original Kenner Star Wars figures, including the mail order Boba Fett, were sold for 50 cents each at a garage sale in my late teens when I felt I was too old and mature to play with kiddie toys anymore. Man, what I wouldn’t give to have those action figures back today.

I still have my Lone Ranger and Tonto figures and their horses, but they’re old and in poor condition. Even so, I will never willingly part with them. I want my old Mego collection back for the sentimental value, although the dollar value of those toys today is astronomical, especially if they are mint in the box. Those action figures that we got for $2 at Kmart are now worth hundreds of dollars depending on their condition.

I am pleased that Mego is back in business and has started making action figures again. I desperately want to get Batman, Robin, and Superman, but I hesitate to spend over $20 each for them. My new conundrum would be to either open them and display them or keep them mint in the box in hopes of increasing their value. Who am I kidding, I’m an opener kind of guy. I like looking at my collection of action figures and getting lost in heroic adventures in my mind.

I think it would be amazingly cool if Mego made a movie based on their action figures just like LEGO does with theirs. There are plenty of blockbuster movies based on toys and now Barbie has gotten into the game. But no, I still have no interest in watching a Barbie movie, unless perhaps they show us her perky girly parts, but then it’s not that kind of movie.