Time, space, gravity are inconsistent

I used to think that time, space, and gravity were unchangeable constants.

Of course we now know that is not true. Take for example a New York minute versus a cotton-picking minute. In New York, where the people are rude and impatient, a minute can pass in just a few seconds, if it lasts that long. Here in Texas and across the South, a cotton-picking minute can last as long as the two-minute warning in a football game, and usually does.

Of course, we all know that space is relative, especially in a bed. My wife and I share our bed equally. I get a fourth of it, she gets a fourth of it, and the cats take the rest. And that’s only because the dogs are not allowed on the bed. We gave up trying to stop the cats.

Space is also relative in parking lots. The more self-important a person is, the more parking spaces they need to take for their vehicles. I once saw a jacked-up pickup with wheels taller than my car parked across six spots in a crowded parking lot. I drive a small car and need a small space. Yet there are so many dings in the side of my car you’d think I was hogging all the space between the stripes.

When it comes to space in terms of distance, I’ve noticed that a mile is much longer when you’re running than when you’re walking or driving. I walk my dog four laps around the block each morning which comes to about 1.25 miles. I can do that in about 20 minutes, which is also the same time it would take me to run it if I were stupid enough to try and run. (That further illustrates my point about time.)

As for gravity, I believe that it pulls harder on things you accidentally drop, like food or screws, than it does on things you want to fall to the ground, such as the cat when you kick it out of bed. In the span of the three-foot drop to the floor, a cat can flip around twice, lick itself in its private area, and growl a dozen curse words at you before softly landing on its feet. A dropped slice of toast, however, will land butter side down, slamming at the speed of a meteorite.

This is a far cry from the time Apollo 15 astronaut David Scott did an experiment where he dropped a hammer and a feather at the same time and they both hit the surface of the moon at the same time. Considering that he was in his garage on Earth when he did it makes it even more amazing! (Just kidding!)

I’m currently listening to the book “Project Hail Mary” by Andy Weir for the second time. In the book, Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity plays a small but important part. The protagonist astronaut travels at sub-light speed to a nearby star. Because he’s traveling so close to the speed of light, time passes much more quickly for him. What is three years to him is about 17 on Earth.

I think the equivalent to that is the perception of time passing for children taking a test in school. An hour may pass for the teacher, but three days go by for the student. The same holds true in a doctor’s office. For the doctor, only a few seconds go by before he enters the examination room. For the patient, enough time has elapsed to read “War and Peace” – twice.

I remember as a child that the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas lasted about two years. The anticipation of opening gifts on Christmas Day made the time pass slowly. As an adult, the time between the two is about six hours. With all the gifts to buy, the parties and events to attend, and the crush of work to finish before the end of the year make time fly by.

I mean, here we are less than a week away from Thanksgiving and I’m still trying to figure out what kind of candy to buy for Halloween.

I think I’m beginning to understand why time passes so quickly for retirees. The more you enjoy life, the faster it seems to go. It’s though as if time picks up speed when it’s going downhill. No doubt gravity probably has something to do with it. After all, it’s all relative.

Joe Southern is managing editor of the Wharton Journal-Spectator and the East Bernard Express. He can be reached at news@journal-spectator.com.