‘Facebook Narcissist’ gives revealing insights

I saw the audiobook at the library and checked it out on a whim.

By doing that I learned a lot about myself, my friends and acquaintances, and what social media is doing to us. “The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from Social Media Narcissism” by Lena Derhally will open your eyes wider than a double shot of espresso with a coffee chaser to the impact Facebook and other social media sites are having on people.

Derhally has me reconsidering what I post on Facebook or whether I should be on the site at all. It is more personally impactful than the documentary “The Social Dilemma” that came out a few years ago. In fact, Derhally references the movie several times.

If you’re thinking about getting the book, let me say up front that you will get sick of the words narcissist, narcissists, narcissistic, narcissism, etc. I think you’d cut the length of the book by a third if you took those words out. That being said, Derhally has issued a wake-up call and a clear warning about the use and abuse of social media.

Her work is well researched and very timely, especially considering all the vitriol on social media sites. She discusses a wide range of topics, including cyberbullying, self-worth, anxiety, depression, trolls, bots, being self-absorbed, over sharing, cyberstalking, influencers, and much more. Derhally is a licensed and experienced psychotherapist, so she knows what she is talking about.

She explains that there are different degrees and types of narcissism and notes that some of it is natural and healthy. After all, you have to believe in yourself and your abilities in order to function normally. What is unnatural is how people use social media to create glorified or false images of themselves and how they hungrily feed off the responses they get. Others hide behind anonymity and wield words like a weapon, often lashing out at others without provocation.

Not everything shared on Facebook (her primary site, although Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Tick-Toc get plenty of mention), is bad. Derhally said there is a lot of good that comes from sharing, such as relationship-building, connection, fundraising, support groups, advocating social change, and so on.

Of course, Derhally’s focus is on narcissism and the dangerous and unhealthy aspects it has on those who use social media sites. One thing I was not aware of is what she calls “sharenting,” which is when parents share a lot of private, potentially embarrassing things about their children without their knowledge or permission. Once those things are out there, they don’t go away and can come back to haunt your young ones years down the road.

I’m guilty of that. In fact, one of my sharenting moments went viral and drew worldwide media attention. Fortunately, it quickly passed, but even now, years later, my son is occasionally questioned about it.

I’m also guilty of bragging on Facebook about all the really cool and unusual things I get to do. As a kid who grew up believing he was a nobody, I purposefully live an exciting, adventurous life and I unashamedly share it on Facebook. That probably pushes me higher on the narcissism scale than I care to admit, but I enjoy it.

After listening to “The Facebook Narcissist” I am now thinking about curtailing my activity and clamping down on who can see it. For the most part I live an open life and feel I have something to offer society. I’ve always had an on-again, off-again relationship with Facebook but after listening to the book I’ve been leaning toward exiting all of my social media accounts. I still have a Twitter account, but I dumped the app long ago and never looked back.

The two main reasons I stay on Facebook are to help me stay connected with family and friends and, as a journalist, to share my work. I think those are healthy reasons to be there. What’s not healthy is the amount of time I spend on the site. I’d be a lot more productive if I could curtail my Facebook activity. I admit it’s a problem and I need help. I guess that’s what led me to pick up the book when I saw it in the library.

One of the things I really like about Derhally’s book is that it isn’t preachy. She goes over the pros and cons with minimal opinion and leaves the judgement to the reader. At least when you have finished it you are armed with the knowledge to make informed choices about what you post online and how you react to what you see.

Joe Southern is the managing editor of the Wharton Journal-Spectator and the East Bernard Express. He can be reached at news@journal-spectator.com.