Hey guys, are you ready for the big game?

It’s fourth and goal guys, are you ready?

The time is upon us and you can’t let your team down. A year has gone by and it’s time for the big game again. If you haven’t made your plans yet, this is your final warning. It’s game time! There is no going back. There’s going to be winners and losers. If you want to know how to be on the winning team, you’ve got to prepare.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the big game on Sunday night. I’m talking about the bigger game on Monday. Valentine’s Day. Yeah, that game. The Big One!

With labor and supply chain problems combined with inflation, this year could be an incredible challenge. On top of that, some moron in the NFL thought it might be a good idea to schedule the Super Bowl the night before. Somebody ought to hunt that guy down and punt him all the way to the unemployment line. I mean seriously, who puts two national holidays back-to-back like that!

Once the first big game is over Sunday night, the second big game begins and this is a game you cannot afford to lose. Trust me, the consequences last a lot longer if you lose this game than if you lose the Super Bowl. Your wife or girlfriend will hold a grudge a lot longer than the start of the next football season. You don’t get a clean slate. And every word you say can and will be held against you in a court of her opinion.

At this point some of you (at least the women) are asking why I refer to Valentine’s Day as a game. That’s because it is. Unlike football, however, it’s more of an obstacle course. You’ve got to navigate the racks of Valentine cards to find one that’s just right. This can be a minefield depending on the sentimentality of the card. Do you go for humor or romance? Do you get a plain card, one that unfolds like origami, or one that plays music? If you opt for the generic 99-cent card, give it up now.

Then there are the flowers. A dozen roses that on any other day would cost about $25 are now on sale for the low, low price of $75 to $150! Before you buy flowers for your significant other there some things most guys fail to consider. Is she allergic to any of them? Does she even like cut flowers? Maybe a live plant would be better.

Dinner is generally the biggest problem, especially this year. A lot of restaurants are short-staffed and some are dealing with supply issues. COVID is another complicating factor impacting eateries. Not only that, but if you’ve waited this long it’s probably too late to get a reservation at someplace nice. If you want to go out this weekend on account of Monday being a work day, keep in mind that Sunday is the Super Bowl and a lot of places are going to be packed with rowdy crowds which doesn’t lend itself to a romantic setting.

Your best bet is to plan on a romantic candlelight dinner at home … with the kids … and the pets … and the dishes … and the TV, etc. On second thought, get a sitter and take her out! While you’re at it, “Blithe Spirit” at Plaza Theater might be a fun date.

For the adventurous among us, there is the traditional purchase of lingerie. Who am I kidding? No guy in his right mind goes there. That’s for rookies who think that will help them get lucky. It won’t. Unless you know her current size and are intimately familiar with her preference of undergarments and nightwear, you don’t stand a chance of getting it right. You’ll either get the wrong size (“Just how fat do you think I am!”) or she’ll see right through your little charade like an ultra-sheer negligee.

Another part of this game we play each year is the selection of a box of chocolates. (Substitute other sweets if she doesn’t like chocolate.) Buying chocolates puts you at risk of ruining her diet (which you already blew on dinner) and she will remind you of this. If you don’t get the chocolates, you’ll have to live with the cold shoulder consequences. If you get sugar-free chocolates, look out! That sends a clear message that you think she’s too fat. Do. Not. Ever. Go. There!

To paraphrase Forrest Gump’s mamma, “Valentine’s Day is like a box of chocolates. You never know how she will react.”

My advice is to get a small box of really good chocolates. That shows you care to give her the best, but it’s not like a large box that would fill a cattle trough.

So, here we are. It’s fourth and goal and the game is on the line. The defense has put up the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day back-to-back. Good luck guys! Let me know how it turns out.

(Joe Southern is the managing editor of the Wharton Journal-Spectator and the East Bernard Express. He can be reached at news@journal-spectator.com.)