Beware! Valentine’s Day is coming

Attention all husbands, boyfriends and the innocuously twitterpated males of the human species – be forewarned: it’s coming!
Valentine’s Day is just over a week away. Do you know where your romance is?
Mine has understandably been subdued by Broncomania as Super Bowl 50 approaches. Fortunately my wife suffers from the same malady. Unfortunately for me, she will rapidly recover a day or two after the game and her thoughts – unexpressed or otherwise – will turn to Valentine’s Day and what I can do to romance her.
I will either be basking in the glory or lost in the gloom following the big game and it will be difficult to turn my attention to matters of the heart. Personally, I blame the NFL for this. The league purposefully expanded the season with the dreaded bye week and pushed the Super Bowl to the week before Valentines Day.
Football used to end in January and we had a two-week notice before the holiday of love. It was kind of like having a two-minute warning deep in the red zone. Well guys, the two-week warning started a week ago, so get ready for it.
One of the signs that Valentine’s Day is approaching is the gauntlet of roses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and the Mylar balloons you have to pass by in the grocery and department stores. Many guys tend not to notice these things because they get put up right after the Christmas decorations sometime around the Fourth of July.
One of the things I’ve noticed as I grow older is that the years pass faster and the holidays get sneakier. Sometimes I think the best thing I can do for my wife for Valentines Day is to begin my Christmas shopping. I can guarantee you that Christmas is right around the corner and will be here before you know it.
That being said, I must also keep in mind that Mother’s Day, her birthday and our anniversary fall somewhere in the mix and I dare not forget those. On second thought, maybe the best strategy is to buy her a gift ever other week. When she asks what it’s for, I’ll just say (fill in the blank with the nearest special occasion). If there isn’t a special occasion nearby, I can say it’s just because I’m thinking of you (even though the truth is that I’m thinking about saving my own skin should I forget one of these events).
Actually, the way it works, if a guy gives his gal flowers for no particular reason, it’s because he did something wrong or he wants sex. Usually it’s both, but that’s beside the point.
Him: Here Honey, some flowers!
Her: What did you do?
Him: Nothing, I’m just thinking of you!
Her: You just want to get lucky tonight, don’t you?
Him: No, no, no, that’s not it at all. You see, it’s Flag Day and I want to celebrate with you. But if you’re feeling lucky …
My wife rarely gets flowers from me. It’s not because I’m not romantic, it’s because I can find better things to spend my money on than dead plants. (OK, so maybe I’m not romantic after all.)
When it comes to romance, a woman wants to know she is loved and appreciated. She wants you to spend time with her, converse with her and to openly share your feelings. She wants to be wined and dined, held and caressed. She wants gifts and cards. She wants to have help around the house. She needs to know that you care for her and that she’s the center of your world.
To please a guy, a woman just needs to show up naked and bring beer. Actually, that’s not true. Lingerie helps the mood and wine can be substituted for beer if football season is over.
So there you have it guys. It’s fourth and goal at the two-minute warning. You’re not going to score unless your heart is in the game. You have been warned!