Most plants can feel pain, communicate

Scientists have made a revolutionary discovery that most plants are sentient beings that can hear, speak, and feel emotion.
“As bizarre as it may seem, we have to acknowledge that the newest discovery of life forms is not on Mars or anywhere in outer space, but right here on our own planet,” said renowned botanist, Dr. Herb Wise, director of the Botanological Institute of Austin.
Wise recently made the discovery while utilizing a new, highly advanced scientific instrument that measures minute impulses put off by plants and insects.
“Have you ever wondered how bees know just when and where to find blooming flowers so they can collect the nectar and pollen? The plants literally call out to them using these impulses that the bees can detect with their antennae,” Wise said.
The device used by Wise is called a Kaeding Neuroaudio Spectrometer. It was developed by a team led by Dr. Robert U. Kaeding to detect sound waves that are only heard by creatures with antennae, such as insects, and other animals with hypersensitive hearing.
Kaeding could not understand why the neuroaudio spectrometer gave readings off the charts in field tests outdoors, while barely registering any of the ultra low-frequency sounds in a controlled lab environment.
Theorizing that there was something naturally occurring in the environment that affected his device, Kaeding contacted leading audiologists, biologists and botanists to help solve the mystery. Providing each of a dozen scientists with a neuroaudio spectrometer, he had them each use it in their particular area of study to see what they could find. It was Wise who came back with the discovery.
“At first I thought the darn thing was broken,” Wise said. “I got virtually the same readings in my lab as I did outside. But when I took it to a colleague down the hall, the spectrometer fell silent. That’s when it occurred to me that my lab is filled with a variety of botanical samples. They must have been carrying on quite a conversation.”
When Wise held the neuroaudio spectrometer near plants grouped together in sunshine, the reading soared. When he held it by the lone fern in his administrative assistant’s office, “it gave off such depressing tones it would have made Eeyore look ecstatic,” Wise said.
When he moved the fern into the lab, it perked right up. Realizing he was onto something, Wise called Kaeding and the two agreed to meet for lunch. As Wise started across the grounds to his car, he noticed the neuroaudio spectrometer jumped up in activity. When the groundskeeper started the lawnmower, it went off the charts.
“At first I thought it was the sound from the mower, but then I realized the device isn’t built to detect sounds that we can here,” he said. “It turns out it was cries of terror coming from the grass.”
As the two men met in the cafeteria, Wise ordered a hamburger and fries, while Kaeding sat down with a salad. When Kaeding took his first bite, the neuroaudio spectrometer on the table went active.
“My goodness, those sprouts are still living!” Wise observed of Kaeding’s meal. “R.U. (Kaeding), you’re eating those poor things alive!”
Intrigued, Wise began testing the unit on plants wherever he could find them. He was shocked and disturbed to find that vegetables in refrigerators and supermarkets were very much alive and in a lot of pain.
“Have you ever noticed how things like carrots and potatoes continue to grow, even in cold, dark environments? They’re still living. And given the readings we’re getting, they are slowly being tortured to death. Our refrigerators have become houses of horror,” he said.
“Florists,” he added, “have much more in common with morticians than you’d think!”
The discovery sent shockwaves throughout the vegan community. Near riots have broken out in cities like San Francisco, Calif., Boulder, Colo., and Austin, Texas, where large vegetarian populations exist.
“Now what am I supposed to eat? I certainly can’t have my V-8 anymore,” said a disheveled Rose Pott, who has been a vegetarian her whole life.
Wise published his finding last week in the official journal of the Botanic Science Society.
“Gosh,” said Bea Goodenough of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, who was in a quandary about what she should and should not eat. “The next time someone says I’m no smarter than a turnip, I’ll have to take that as a compliment.”