Five ways to lose my vote

Attention politicians: Let me share with you five tips to assure you will lose my vote this Nov. 3. 

1. Vilify your opponent. Make your opponent out like he or she is the devil and by electing them the world will come to an end. We all know the other party is evil and their candidate is a pawn in their maniacal scheme to overthrow our city, county, state, country, or whatever. 

2. Use negative advertising. There is nothing more interesting than seeing unflattering black and white photos of your opponent with butchered catchphrases plastered across them while your bright, colorful face smiles back at me. Please, tell me lies and horrible truths about your opponent because I really need to know more about how bad they are than how good you are. 

3. Talk about your opponent’s record. Seriously, there is no better way for me to learn what you’re going to do if you take office than by letting me know all about your opponent’s record. If you can, please twist the facts and make them so they sound worse than they are. 

 4. Bombard me with texts, calls and mailers. I just can’t get enough texts and robocalls to fill my already busy day. Thank God you’re still there to remind me to vote for you (or against your opponent). I’d be so lonely if I didn’t hear from you several times a day. And please keep supporting your local post office with all the mailers. They need the business. It also helps my local recycler! 

 5. Fail to keep your promises. Remember, voters have a short memory and they won’t recall what you told them in the last election cycle. Seriously, “Read my lips: No new taxes” didn’t hurt President George H.W. Bush, did it? 

Win my vote 

Now that we’ve made that clear, here are five tips that will help you win my vote: 

1. Tell me what you stand for. I really want to know what your agenda is and why you deserve my vote. I want to know how my life and my community are going to be better with you in office. I want to know if we have shared values and objectives. 

2. Be reasonable. Please respect my time and don’t overload me with political messages. I don’t want any texts or phone calls. I’d prefer to read about you in the newspaper where facts can be checked and verified. I get enough mail already, so let me save you the time and expense of sending me a mailer and tell you right now I won’t waste my time with it. 

3. Be truthful. We all know there’s no such thing as an honest politician, but please try to be. Don’t gloss over your record. Stand up for it and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Don’t just make yourself look good, be good. Be a person of integrity. Even if I don’t agree with your position, I’ll at least respect you for it. 

4. Show unity. There is so much negativity in the world today. Politics have never been more divisive than they are now. I want to know what you will do to reach across party lines and find common ground with the other side. What will you do to help mend and unite our country and our communities? 

5. Be fiscally minded. From city council to congress, I want to know what you’re going to do to reduce our tax burdens while also reducing our debts. Debt is dumb and we need to eliminate it. The trick here, however, is to do all of this without cutting essential services and neglecting important things like, infrastructure, drainage, and transportation. That’s not asking too much, is it? 

A note to voters 

Let me offer these five suggestions to make the election cycle more bearable. 

1. Stop sharing political junk on social media. 

2. Stop sharing political junk on social media. 

3. Stop sharing political junk on social media. 

4. Be polite and respectful when someone shares political junk on social media. 

5. Stop sharing political junk on social media. 

Remember, memes are designed to illicit an emotional response, not an intellectual one. Try long form forums that allow you to get into the meat of an issue, such as writing a letter to the editor or reading about candidates and issues in your newspaper. Let’s be substantive and supportive and stop tearing each other down.