Closing the gap on self-consciousness

As a kid I always used to tease my friends who got braces and brag about how I didn’t need them. Sure, I had a gap between my two front teeth, but that was it. Everything else was straight.

Secretly, I wanted that gap closed. Being an obnoxious kid, however, I just smiled and called names like “brace face” and “metal mouth.” It was all in jest and good humor with some hidden envy. As I grew older my perception of the gap widened and I became self-conscious and ashamed. I hid my smile. I spoke less. I didn’t know it, but my shame affected my personality and character.

Being gap-toothed, a slow thinker and having poor eye-hand coordination made my friends and classmates think of me as stupid. I must have been stupid, because I believed them. I grew up believing I was slow, stupid and ugly. My parents tried to get me to believe otherwise, but the perception of my peers had become my reality.

Things changed in college and I overcame a lot of that false perception. I found success and became friendlier and more self-confident – even to the point of being arrogant and cocky. It took a rapid string of life-changing events in the late 1980s to bring me back to my old reality.

I had my wisdom teeth pulled about that time. After that, the gap between my front teeth did widen – a lot. My teeth began shifting backward and all kinds of gaps opened in the front of my mouth. One tooth went crooked. It was a slow process that took decades. I again quit smiling. I again hid my teeth as much as humanly possible.

I wanted braces real bad but I could never afford them. What I didn’t know then was how much the lack of a smile and my self-consciousness was affecting my personality. All I could see and believe about me was how gap-toothed ugly I was and how slow and stupid I must be.

A few years ago I watched with great envy and frustration as my oldest son went through braces. He needed them and we had insurance for pediatric orthodontics. Braces for me would be considered cosmetic and not covered by insurance. My son managed to double his time as a dental cyborg by neglecting proper care. Still, you should see him smile now!

Now, everything has changed. God must have heard my prayers and seen my suffering. This year the stars aligned in a weird but wonderful way. First, the dentist informed us that our youngest son would need braces. Then, last May as I visited my mother in what became her deathbed, her dying wish for me was to get my teeth fixed. My dad vowed to honor that wish and offered to pay half of my expense to get braces.

The lynchpin came a little later when my wife’s company was bought out and her insurance changed. It included a benefit for adult orthodontics! When we took Colton, our youngest boy, to see Dr. Lee Mahlmann, we learned they offered a multi-patient family discount. If this isn’t a clear message from above, I don’t know what is.

Just a few days before Halloween and two weeks after Colton got his, I sat in the chair and received my brackets, wires and bands.

At the time of this writing, my teeth are moving and tender. The inside of my lips are like hamburger. It hurts. It’s hard to smile, but not because I don’t want to. The physical pain is trivial compared to the psychological and emotional pain I’ve suffered. I wear these braces and the cuts and scrapes inside my mouth as badges of honor and pride.

I’m overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude and hope. I may not show it on the outside, but I sure am smiling big on the inside. I have a renewed confidence going forward that my life is good and getting better all the time.